a miracle
- Mood:
rejuvenated
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- Mood:
relaxed
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optimistic
I worry too much.
Autumn leaves ask me not to worry.
They, like Jesus, suggest trust, rather than worry.
So often in Autumn, I want to go lean my head against a tree
and ask what it feels like to lose so much,
to be so empty, so detached,
and to take off one's shoes that well,
and then simply to stand and wait for God's refilling.
It sounds so simple, so easy.
But it isn't easy. It's hard! But possible!
We Autumn stragglers must try hard not to wear discouragement
as a cloak, if we cannot wear emptiness enough to make us free.
It takes a long time to get as far as even wanting to be empty.
It is the sacrament of letting go that our hearts are hungering for.
And once we discover that we already possess enough grace to let go,
trust begins to form in the center of who we are.
Then we take off our shoes and stand empty and vulnerable,
eager to receive God's next gift.
Slowly, the trees celebrate the sacrament of "letting go".
First, they surrender their green, then their orange, yellow and red.
Finally, they let go of their brown.
Shedding their last leaf they stand empty and silent, stripped bare.
Leaning against the sky they begin their vigil of TRUST.
As the last leaf falls, they watch it journey to the ground.
They stand in silence, wearing the color of emptiness,
their branches wondering:
How do you give shade, with so much gone?
And then the sacrament of waiting begins.
The sunset and sunrise watch with tenderness
clothing them with silhouettes that keep HOPE alive.
They help them understand that vulnerability, dependence, need,
emptiness, and readiness to receive,
are giving them a new kind of beauty.
Every morning and every evening, we stand in silence,
celebrating together the sacrament of letting go. . . of waiting. . .
(author unknown)
I came across this meditation while cleaning out some papers... I used it long ago for a church prayer service... then again when I left bill & suu... I read it now with a different insight... I see that I need to let go ... to be empty ... to want...
I see my teacher as the sunset and sunrise that is spoken of... patiently waiting for me to be ready for them... I will continue to wait and I will be fulfilled and prepared for my teacher... "seek and ye shall find" has become prepare and the teacher will make him/herself known.
- Mood:
contemplative
- Mood:accomplished
- Mood:
complacent
- Mood: contemplative
- Mood:
discontent
- Mood:
peaceful
- Mood:
aggravated
- Mood: discontent
- Mood: aggravated
What is all that about? It’s my new morning, noon and night mantra… todays word that best describes where I am…. PEACE… the peace that I had when I returned from CA after leaving behind the hurt. Chatted with Master JW last night … into this morning…. And never slept…. The words I needed to hear were there…. Journey, companionship, growth, love, support… with the right questions asked I found a man…. A flawed human being… not a god… not “Master Right”…. Not my dream… I still have a dream… but it has been re-written… renewed…. We all need dreams… that is where we start the growth… the mosre important question is am I ready to jump? The answer… no… I can’t I’m not prepared for that yet… will I ever be? Yes in time… but only after I forgive myself for the past… for everything that happened in california… the blame doesn’t lie within me… but upon me…. I carried it all home with me… luggage that I should have left behind… but still carry to this day…. It’s time for that luggage to go now…. The future is bright and clear… but I can’t run to it…. Time, patience, love and understanding are what I need to see along the way…. When you go to fast… you miss the minute details… the whisper of the cool wind, the patterns of a ripple in the water as the tide comes in…. the voices of friends that care …. The touch of Him!
529,600 minutes….. a season of love… may we never waist a momentfor we gain nor more….
“I am a slave…. I have but one need…. To serve… to give Master all that He desires…. To step out of myself and allow Him to master my soul”
- Mood: peaceful
Before I get to that I need to clear up so foggy stuff…. What do I want in a Master? this is a question that I have a big picture of… but not the specifics… right now its one of those “when I find it… I will know…” moments... not a good thing to have or not have that is… so I am going to start by defining my “RIGHT” Master….
1. Control
a. hold me accountable
b. discipline with care and love in mind
c. punishment through correction and teaching
d. contain but allow growth
2. Growth (together)
a. search and embrasse like interests
1. music
2. social activities
3. sexual styles and preferences
4. forms of cummunications
b. try new things to promote growth together
c. delve deep into phylosophies and ideas
d. seek the many hearts we all possess…
1. slave heart
2. Masters heart
3. companionship heart
3. Growth (personal)
a. a willingness to seek support
b. a willingness to make and own up to mistakes
c. an openness to other/new ideas
4. Intimacy
a. willing to have a tender touch
b. willing to cuddle
c. to be present on an emotional level
d. an understanding that physical sex is a need not a desire
e. an openness to expand His/his limits
Now comes the hard part, to look at this list and see if it’s something that can be done or if its fantasy, Am I asking too much? Or am I again not allowing myself to be a flexible? Can a Master control and be intimate at the same time or will I have to compromise the intimacy to have the control?
In looking at the list I can see personal growth being an attainable goal but from what I’ve seen so far I just don’t see number two growth together being something that Master JW wants to go. Can I do that?
The next thing I need to look at is if I am able to give up who I am for Him? I look at this issue in the light of clay…. I see myself as a pile of clay that has the start of a form… not just a pile of clay… can Master JW take that form from where it is and finish it? Or should I be willing to punch that clay back to a lifeless form and allow him to start forming me all over again…. SURRENDER VS. YIELD.
Breakfast this morning with wen and stoney was interesting to say the least… I love to listen to their discussions… not take part as much but listen and learn. Stoney is so deep and carries the male insight with a female twist… wen carries the wisdom, the deeper slave side of things… the two of them offer a wealth of knowledge and support for those that care to listen and learn.
I have yet to hear back from Master JW… that has me a bit worried… I would really like to know where he is in all of this… I also value His input… Master Curtis and I chatted for a long time last night before the sub chat… his message to me… SLOW DOWN… stop trying to make life altering decissions right now…. Spend time right now smelling the flowers along my journey… as wen says… when the student is ready the teacher will make Himself known… so maybe its good that Master JW hasn’t contacted me….
Monday I think I will go see Ms. Lisa about temp work to busy myself... at least until I decide on the school part… This weekend if Fathers day and MAsT, it should be really interesting…
Intimacy… now there’s a topic that I need to look at… what to me is intimacy? To me it’s a multi level need…
Emotional Intimacy – a need to know a person on such a level that pleasure can come through a persons feelings, when a person is happy it make me happy, when they are sad I grieve with them, when they are angry I feel their pain….
Physical Intimacy – a need to be touched not only physically touched but on a more sensual level… to be touched in the heart… a need for sex… to be completed through another man… the connection of the two to one… a unity.
Mental Intimacy – a need to know the desires and wants of that special person in my life… to know what pleases them from the depths of their being to the most surface things…
I wish I could say that I have completed this part of the journey but in seeing this .. I know that I have a long way to go to put myself in a place that I can face Master JW with a clear vision of what I seek, without the fear of His rejection. The gods only know… maybe I have already been rejected…
What do I seek? Everything and nothing
- Mood: contemplative
- Mood:
enthralled
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horny
- Mood:
anxious
- Mood: anxious
- Mood: anxious
- Mood:
frustrated
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