future???
tig had a great chat with hound on Monday... hound kept avoiding saying something to tig... so tig told him that he could say anything to tig that he wanted to.... hound said that he was scared and somewhat doubtful that slavery was for him.... that what he wants the most is to rest at Masters feet to experience that level of submission... and feels unfulfilled due to the distance issue... knowing what he was feeling... tig asked what being at Master feet meant to him? what feelings were involved? .... hounds response was that was what he needed to do to please Master.... knowing of hounds wearing of the lycra suit at Masters request... tig equated that to being at Masters feet... and that hound should look at his actions as if he was there in person... that Master, because hound was being obedient, would most likely be pleased... tig then told hound of Masters approving hug after tig spent the night in the cage... and how for tig being chained at home is the same... it is done to please Master... and that tig may not always enjoy it or want to bother... but it is still done for Masters pleasure.... and that is what counts... hound understood a lot more and mentioned that it was a lot for him to think about... tig understood that and mentioned that this was a good time to use journaling ... to put his questions , answers and feelings all on paper..... hound agreed and said that he would try it.... what a wonderful gift to Master if he does.... tig did mention that he would be in contact with him to see how he was doing because it is a lot to think about and deal with.... tig enjoys chatting with hound... he seems so much more focused than scruffy... but both have their strengths... and we all have our weaknesses.... but tig enjoyed being able to help hound through this rough time.... It was funny ... during tigs chat with hound, hound popped up out of the blue and answered a question with “Yes Sir...” tig requested that he not do that... that tig wasn’t a Sir.... hound laughed and said that tig should be... that he should speak to Master about it.... tig responded laughing.... but later that evening got to thinking about tigs future and how that might not be as far fetched as it sounded... to serve as “Chris” in the Marketplace books.... a MajorDomo... owned by Master and subservent to the Masters of the house... but in charge of the slaves.... which would allow Master Behr time to do the specific training of the slaves that he is so skilled at and to partner with pup in direct service to Master Cage.... this might be tigs calling.... the thought of serving but also being in charge sounds quite appealing.... it’s something to journal about at a later time... the more tig chats with scruffy and hound the more he realizes that he is indeed blessed to be able to up and relocate his life to follow his dream of serving Master... if only the money was there to bring tigs brothers to the house... what a wonderful life could be had by all.... but luck doesn’t seem to be on tigs side right now.... maybe soon....
- Mood:
content
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- Mood: content
- Mood: content
- Mood: content
A good example, last night (Wednesday) according to tigs “rules” is a mandatory attendance at the community chat. tig declined dinner in Portland with co-workers so that he would be there for the chat... tig signed on at 5 minutes till 9pm EST and requested permission to speak... from both Master Cage and Master Behr.... tig stayed at the computer ... online till 10:30pm.... at which time tig dismissed himself and went to bed... no one showed up.... and no cancellation notice.... should tig be upset since it’s not a protocol... but one of tigs rules? should tig even say anything? If this was a protocol tig would mention the breech of such... but where it is a rule of tigs to attend and tig did so... then there is no reason to address it.... if Master or Behr wish to bring it up then we will discuss their being more attentive to the community.... this is where terminology and the understanding of the same becomes an important factor..... if tig took everything Master said as protocol tig would be so confused because many times there have been conflicts between protocol and duties... good discussions must be had to clarify what is and what isn’t a protocol... in fact the best route is to keep a list of protocols posted for easy reference because they should overrule everything and if a counter order brought up... should be addressed....
- Mood:
complacent
- Mood: content
- Mood: content
- Mood: content
- Mood:
anxious
- Mood:
contemplative
- Mood:
frustrated
- Mood:creative
- Mood:
amused
Before we go further tig needs to add that he went to NY with a mission... or two.... First was to clear his head... last weeks blow up in the community dumped a lot of doubt on tig that came very close to tigs dissolving his contract with the community... yes! that much doubt and that close! but thanks to wen that didn’t happen.... she made tig understand that there were other factors at play here.... that the email was just a catalyst for some deep smoldering items to burst into a roaring fire..... Second, was for tig to make a final decision, to either makes the move or not... simple as that may seem, was a major contention over the entire weekend.
Now back to Saturday, the shopping was uneventful as tig thought it would be, the trip to Tomo’s was longer than what it looked on the map, almost an hour and a half.... we drove up to the house... a nice two story cape... very roomy... big fireplaces one in the living room one in the dining room... well set up kitchen and a cute dungeon... not a lot of toys, but enough to make count. Tomo is a solid 6’+ dyke that commanded respect... and tig was eager to do so.... we also met “Red” a friend of Tomo’s... another smaller dyke that likewise deserved full respect... Red seemed to be the life of the party, which was welcome, then there was mj, Tomo’s slave, a relatively young, baby faced dyke that has a heart that just overtakes her personality ... her eagerness to serve was admirable, but as nice as she is tig found her to be lacking in training with regards to dealing with guests and dinner parties... but we have to start somewhere.... with Tomo guiding her she will get there. After dinner Tomo showed us the dungeon, a small room... very warm... with a bar, spanking bench and sling. A long bondage bar hung on the wall to one side... Master Curtis had wen prepare and started with the whip but then she started to not feel well so she bowed out and requested that tig take her place. so, tig prepared and Master did a wonderful job warming tig up.... about 15 to 20 minutes worth...of heavy flogging... tig was blindfolded so didn’t really notice the swap... wen took over....
Just an aside note here... tig spoke to Master Curtis and wen about being pushed... about being taken to the edge and pushed over... broken ... so to speak....
Well, back to wen.. 2 ½ hours tied to the wall.. we began around 9ish and tig was released around 11:30 (we left at midnight). wen took tig places he had never been to.. but forced tig to look at the need for tig to totally surrender to everything... about 2/3rds of the way through tig finally broke and gave in to the pain, to the need to be Mastered, to the desire of slavery in his life, to himself... but that was not good enough for wen... she took tig deeper to more of a self realization place that helped tig see things clearer, a place that tig would like to revisit.... tig had been broken... the flood of emotion was overwhelming... all of the fears, the hopes, the dreams, the joys, the pains, the happy, the sad were all there stairing tig in the face ... what would he choose to have?.... which route would tig take on this part of the journey? a decision tig needed to make this weekend. but more than that fact came out of this experience.... tig realized that just as Behr felt tigs journal was a cry for help so was Behr’s email to tig.... Behr’s issue wasn’t with tig or with what tig had done... it was a response to his own internal struggles... could it be that Behr sees a lot of himself in tig? Behr wants to be a Master ... but doesn’t want to leave the submissiveness that he enjoys as slave to Master Cage. Can he effectively serve and be served? Where did Behr get his training to be Master? Has Behr been trained as a Master? Did Behr train Eagle? is there more to the Eagle situation than meets the eyes? it seems that Eagles acting out was a major cry to be Mastered, why didn’t that happen? Or, is this whole thing just a matter of too many hands in the pot, too many trainers and not enough slaves? tig feels that until Behr finds his place, his happiness in the greater community it might not be a bad idea to give Behr the room he needs to explore what his needs are and if they are being met.... maybe even revisiting the initial idea of pups .... that he personally would train tig? Since tig was to be trained to serve pup and Master personally.... it’s odd how those old IMs seem to now come back as what should have happened in the first place........ or was it a pipe dream of pup to do that? we got back to the apartment at 1:00am to find Mark and Eric still up.... we chatted for about an hour, showed off the wonderful marks that wen had left then tried to get to sleep.... that took a while because sleeping on the floor with the marks all in the right places made it extremely hard to find a comfortable way to lay... even sitting was an experience....
Sunday morning came way, way to early aren’t kids wonderful??? but that’s ok.... had a quick chance to get in a nap after cleaning up the apartment.... we did lunch then headed over to the gay/lesbian center for the Mast meeting... we were ½ hour late... but then they were too... so we actually made it in time.... :) oh the people tig got to meet... Sir Stephen and slave catherine (current international Master & slave title holders), Master Jack and slave raven (current regional Master/slave total holders), Master Tip and slave rick, Master Larry (head of the Metro Mast group) and so many others that tig can’t remember all their names..... but it was the topic of the discussion that hit home.... Master Jack and slave raven did a workshop on Master/slave relationships... what is needed and not needed... over emphasized and not emphasized enough... so many things that tig is doing were brought up... things like being true in journaling... a slave should be transparent... but because of “issues” the slave feels it necessary to edit their journal... or in tigs case - does a second journal... this is what they need to hear ... because of the fear of what will happen if they write about their true fears and feelings.... let’s look at this.... why does tig feel in necessary to have a “real” journal and a viewable one? because tig feels that his journal is being viewed as something it’s not.... because he is afraid that something will be misconstrued and acted upon without bringing it to and/or discussing it with tig... tig feels that a journal is a PRIVATE reflection... something that can’t be judged as right or wrong... something that shouldn’t be judged at all.. but instead is a tool or window into tigs inner most being.... one that shouldn’t be acted upon in any way unless specifically requested..... which it has never been or will never be .... in tigs case that is.... this topic was specifically brought up in the discussion and slave raven said the same thing.... transparency! = non edited... growth and trust can only happen in that forum.... when the line of transparency happens.... so the Mast meeting ends and after some good chat with the “upper ranking folks” we headed back to the apartment to get the luggage and hit the road. The ride home Master Curtis, wen and tig had a major discussion on the outcome of the weekend.... so many things happened that it needed to be tied together and put in perspective.... sometimes chats like that are harder than the actual experience... we got to the boat at 1:30am, the ride home was spent in reflection and quiet... tig left for NYC a stressed, lost, hurting, searching sole but has returned a changed, focused, slave... one that knows the path chosen if the right path.... with bumps and smooth spots...... so where to now?
Let’s look at the bumps....
Journaling: tiggers understandings: a reflection of the inner tigger available for viewing and commenting.... a place that tigger can speak openly without fear of action, retribution, punishment, discipline or consequence... a place where tigger can be free to express everything and anything without censorship of any kind. A place where tigger can talk things through, solve or at least review his options without recourse or involvement from the community unless the involvement is specifically requested by tig via email, IM or phone....
Relationships: tiggers understandings: relationships are formed in various ways none of which can be forced or assumed. One relationship may form early on and remain strong because of communication, others may form slower but be just as strong as the previous, and others may form only after a lot of hard work combined with trials and errors. Not everyone can, should or be forced into a relationship situation.... Different people connect differently... none of which is either good or bad. Relationships are what they are....
Trust: tiggers understandings: trust is a hard topic for tig because he has been hurt so many times by so many men, which is why tig can no longer bring himself to blind trust or to trust through others... trust for tig needs to be developed through communication, caring, love and support.... until those needs are at least being attempted tig will find it hard pressed to trust. This includes everyone from Master down to scruffy... trust doesn’t discriminate... just as the hurt and pain that tig has been made to endure doesn’t discriminate.
- Mood:accomplished
- Mood: content
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day two with no sleep... and a night from hell to boot.... it was a continuation of Sunday the bill & suu saga continues.... after a lot of chatting tig closed off.... but spent a good amount of time thinking about why tig didn’t trust Master Behr... so tig is going to delve in this topic today.... tigs understanding and beliefs of trust... why the lack of trust with Master Behr? What are the missing components? ... Where to go from here?....
trust isn’t easy for tig, being hurt from the start tends to force a guilty till proven innocent attitude.... trust for tig is a connection, an understanding and a meeting of the minds which is gained through communication, contact, a presence. Without that there is nothing to base the trust on.... blind trust or trust through another (you should trust him because of me) only leads to hurt and pain.... so... the first question is why Master Behr? lack of contact? yes! ... not showing and exercising his Master status prior to this past weekend? yes! ... big lack of consistency... most definitely.... all of which is understandable... but not excusable.... for the past 8 months tig has looked to Master Cage as his Master and trainer along with pup and Master Behr.... why? who has done the training thus far? not Master Behr... Master Cage has walked tig through the protocols and the rules and pup has answered questions and guided tig though complications.... who’s missing? Master Behr..... that is why there is no trust built up yet!.... even in the late chat with Master Behr... a glimmer of trust shown through.... a connection... can that happen more consistently? only Master Behr can answer that one.... tig is and will always be available to the community via text msg, during the day, phone, IM, email (mostly nights) ... but Master Behr can’t seem to find the time to chat and train and find that connection... it doesn’t seem to be in his schedule.... One big this was said by Master Behr that has tig worried.....does Master Behr fully trust tig? If so... why is tig not considered in his eyes as a family member? Is this a response to Master Behr’s possibly feeling “left out”? tig does after all have a close relationship with pup and has a growing relationship with Master Cage.... but none to speak of with Master Behr..... Something to think about later.... where this is all going to go is solely the responsibility of Master Behr and how he is going to deal with the communications issue... will he not do anything and continue the way things are? will he make an effort to rectify the issue? or will tig just have to accept it as the norm to always being punished for misunderstanding orders that are misinterpreted because Master Behr doesn’t communicate? where is the future? tig was just thinking of something Master Cage told tig during the visit.... is this a result of Master Behr’s thinking that tig wanted his position? or that tig was going there to take over? the subconscious mind does a lot of things.....
- Mood:
tired
well Friday tig heads back to NYC for a final tour and Metro Mast meeting... looking forward to everything... especially the formal dinner being put on by Tomo and served by his slave.... wen is supposed to give tigger the details as to dress, protocol, etc.... Tomo has also invited us to use their private dungeon.... hmmm... what interesting things does Master Curtis have planned this time? tig is looking forward to the play time....
- Mood:
discontent
- Mood:
depressed
- Mood: frustrated
- Mood:
aggravated
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