Archive: 2006 April

home?

May. 2nd, 2006 at 8:17 PM

I’m home… I have gotten to the point that I can say that and not bust into tears… I awoke today with new insight… a new everything… and a renewed hope…. I travel 3100 miles to live a dream… so this one has started out a little rocky… yes I still miss mom & dad a lot… but 38 years was a long time… yes I miss wen and Master Curtis… I’ve said hi to them a couple of times… I just need to keep reminding myself that Master won’t cut off my contact with my friends… my family…. They are such an important part of my life…. but my focus is here…. On learning and on teaching…. I am still re-reading Anger…. The more I read the more I learn… I walk and breath differently now and am able to see and deal with my emotions on a different level… a very different level… today when we put some of my stuff in storage… a bout of anger hit… a bout of why? …. A bout of this is unfair… but I took 3 deep breaths… and yes cried a little … but realized that the stuff going in storage was only a town away…. I still have the stuff I need here…. Behr and I had a great hard working day in the yard…. But it’s looking nice… and I feel good about it… maybe as a slave I shouldn’t be proud of my work or at least show it…. But I am happy in my heart… and even though I don’t ask for praise… Behr tells me how pleased he is with the work I’ve done… and how much its helped him… that too makes me happy deep inside…

Mood: happy

day 2: a good day!

May. 1st, 2006 at 8:22 PM

Written in the morning….
Wen asked that I journal about the good of being here…. I find that really hard because I’m not really a peace with being here … well… not yet at least… we haven’t had a family meeting yet… which bothers me… Master and Behr want to start the training which is fine… but we as a group haven’t chatted about anything yet… I have often found myself with the urge to unplug the tv just so we can talk as a family without the interuptions behind…. I’ve spent a lot of time alone wanting to talk… but because of the tv … well you understand…. And have found that while the tv is on isn’t a welcome time to chat…. Except with Behr that is…. He’s not a big tv watcher either…. So as life passes them by… where does that leave me? Even though Behr and I have had our issues… I see him more as a friend… a confidante… we will get along just fine …. I think he will turn out to be my salvation here…. We tend to think a like…. But I also see that my training will not only be receiving information but in teaching them what I know…. Which thatnks to wen is a great deal…. Lets face it… if they are going to be bold enough to write out the protocols… then the three slave here should follow and be accountable to those same protocols…. I often wonder if that is what happened with eagle? Was it a do as I say … not as I do situation? I hope that doesn’t become the case here…. Cause that just doesn’t fly…. If Master is going to head this household then he needs to take back that control that now Pup seems to have…. I watch Behr struggle to keep Master as HOH … but I find myself dissillutioned with pup… I’ve lost the slave attitude that he had in October… and have yet to see any slave attitude in him now…. He had me snowed…. I thought he was the Alpha Slave…. The leader of Behr and I…. but I’ve yet to see that…. Infact… I’ve yet to see the Pup that I knew before at all….. he used to hug and be present to me… but that seems to be gone…. All I’ve seen is Masters partner… not slave… one question that I would really like answered is do Behr and Pup see themselves as a slave first then friend/partner? Or is it the other way around? With Behr I see slave then friend…. Pup… just the opposite… partner then slave …. That bothers me a lot… I need role models to learn from… how can I truly learn what it is that I seek in my slavery if I don’t have roll models…… this may be an issue for me to watch out for….. I told wen that I would give it two weeks… she said no… 1 month (may) – then if things still not right …. I should request a family meeting and talk about disloving the contract… and moving on… why should my time be waisted…. And why should I waist their time any further… I should just pack up… and either go back east… not mad… not angry… moving here was a lesson that I needed to learn… and I have no anger towards the guys… but if the fit isn’t right… then it isn’t right…. Mom has mentioned that if I need to move back… then the money is in the bank… she will fly over and drive back with me… so I guess 4 weeks starts today… it isn’t much to ask… I do at some point in time hope to chat with Behr about this … I need him to know my feelings and fears… I think he will understand…

Written Monday night….
Today, gave me a new energy… the sun was shining and all was well with the world… and so the day went… Behr and I did a lot of yard work… it was great to be with him… I have found that he listens to me and to my heart and understands where they are at… I honestly hope that our relationship can grow… the friendship lines are fully opened and well on their way….

Thank you wen for the boost you gave me today…. It helped a lot! I love you!

Mood: happy

day 2 did it get better?

Apr. 30th, 2006 at 7:53 PM

Ok…. So… today was just as bad… or was it? Did some shopping this morning…. My sugar is sky high… so… I’ll be working on getting that down…. Even though I haven’t been eating a lot (I’ve lost 8 lbs this past week) I know that the sugar is up … just can feel it… got back and did some puttering around the kitchen… made some lunch then baked some cookies… during that time Behr came to visit… we chatted for a bit… then he said something that jolted my right to the core… I know that he didn’t mean anything and I also know that it was said with only my best interest at hand… he said… “make yourself at home… because this is your home now…” I died inside…. Deep down this isn’t my home… I don’t have a place to call home right now… home is still in Maine…. After I cleaned up from the baking I asked to go for a walk…. I needed the time…. Away… to clear my head… I don’t know why but I grabbed my phone… maybe it was in case I got lost… I really don’t know why…. but I got about a mile away and my phone kept hitting my chest… so I took it out and looked at the screen… and was going to put it in my shorts pocket… but the screen said something that still freaks me out…. There was wen’s name…. without even thinking I pushed call… and for about 20 minutes we cried and talked… she convinced me to stick it out for a month… and to see what happens… she said it sounds like we all need training in one thing or another… and that I need to keep looking deep within my slave heart to remind myself why I picked up and drove 3100 miles away…. What was I seeking…. What kind of slave do I want to be…. All questions that I need to review… but then to also journal about what is good about being here…. There is much… bing here with Master, pup and behr is amazing… they are all so different… but I see so much of myself in them… that is scares me… the house is very small… actually way too small for 5 men to live in… but the area is beautiful.. and the people around seem to be friendly… met a few today on the walk… it will work out… maybe not long term…. But it will work out… one thing is for sure… I wont leave under the same conditions as eagle or scruffy…. If and when I do leave it will be because its time for me to move on to bigger things…. I took this jump to learn about me…. And I am… and some of the things I see scare me… but it keeps me looking!

Mood: content

day 1

Apr. 29th, 2006 at 8:54 PM

Well… I guess wen was right… what a surprise… on Wednesday before I headed out she did two readings for me… during them I was told that my life was turned upside down… which it was and still is… she also said that there would be turmoil in my future… and I think that time has come… today being the first full day here was also one that instilled a lot of doubt…. For months everyone has known what is going on with my leaving and my shifting to CA…. and here everyone knew I was coming… but upon my arrival I find that even the few things I brought was too much and that I didn’t even have a place to call my own… no place to put a radio… to put book… or to sit and read… or more importantly to center…. I can’t let go of everything that makes me… me... be that cageslave… tigger… or paul…. We are all one…. Like it or not… should I be expected to give up everything? Isn’t that surrendering? I can’t surrender… I need to yield to my Master…. but is that what they want? Yes I said they… I need this to work with ALL of them… not just Master… Behr and Pup also need to be on the same page… will they allow me to yield? Or are they thinking surrender? As I started to sort through everything trying to figure what can go to temp storage… I just fell apart… no one knew… no one came looking for me… I sat down by the stream and just dissolved in tears… even typing this… I want to just go sit an cry… maybe that’s a part of healing or its just a realization that I made a huge error…. I’ll need to chat with Behr and see whats up…..

Mood: pensive

Travel day 6 and finally here!

Apr. 29th, 2006 at 6:50 AM

Made it to the new home yesterday… a very long trip…. Left Elko around 8:00 had beautiful travel weather… made Reno by 12:30 ish… didn’t stop it wasn’t what I had imagined… I was thinking of what I saw on tv… the class… the glits… guess you can do a lot with a camera…lol…. Traveled on to Lake Tahoe… OMG… what a georgeous place… the views were magnificent… I stoped a couple of times for pictures but carried on… it was hot and the car was running warmer than I really liked… I stopped for gas and picked up a quick bite to eat… way too expensive there… I arrived in Camino around 3:30pm local time… and was greeted with open arms… Master and I chatted for a bit then went looking for Behr… her was upstairs working… and again a welcome hug… just that eased a lot of worries… Pup arrived home shortly after… by then Behr and I had emptied the car on to the back porch… I think I scared them with the amount of stuff I brought… I understand the tightness of the house… but then on the other hand.. I am moving here for good… well at least a long while… that remains to be seen… so I guess this weekend will be spent weeding through what I need here and don’t need here.. and the rest will be put in an off sight storage location…. It will be very interesting…. Dinner went well … had buffolo wings with a carrot salad (carrots, apple, walnuts, raisins, mayo) and homemade bread…. Helped Behr with the dishes and laundry then called it a night… it was around 8:30 and I was dog tired by then…. The time change is going to kill me until I get more used to it…. I slept in the cage… with the door open… it was a lot more comfortable… I did finally get a good nights sleep…. Was up at 6:15-6:30 or so… didn’t really want to watch tv even though Behr said I could… so I decided to do a journal entry… Master came down a few minutes ago… I’ll need to get his permission to go online to post this… maybe mom will be there…. I look forward to seeing just what today will hold in store being the first full day in Camino CA!

Mood: excited

travel day 5

Apr. 27th, 2006 at 6:20 PM

A lot to catch up on today…. From yesterday that is…. I left NE and hit a lot of sites… an arch monument that crossed 4 lanes of highway and the median… the thing was hugh! I was hoping to hit n platte the night before… until I travel through it almost 3 hours later… ARGH! That would have been way too long of a trip. Kept in contact with mom the whole day… that helped…. I hit Wyoming last night… I was really upset with the service and plan on letting Days Inn know about it! I left there and made some good time even went THROUGH a mountain… about a mile long… it was cool! A lot of beautiful sites… the mountains are just beautiful…. Stopped in Salt lake city to take picture for mom… what a place! Then landed in Elko, NV for the night… went to dinner then to a local drug store… imagine a Rite Aid the size of Kmart!!! Now I’m just kicking back journaling … I want to sort out the front seat tonight and get organized… I have stuff all over….  oh well… that’s what happened when you live in your car…. Speaking of… the car is running great… can’t complain… only about 450 miles left to go…. I’ll be there tomorrow night. I was up at 3:00am this morning… couldn’t breath… these allergies are killing me…. And the up and down the mountain ranges isn’t helping…. I want to get an early start tomorrow and hit Reno by 10 and tahoe… and have lunch there… by the lake… then head out so that I can hit Camino by 6:30 – 7:00pm…. It should be an easy day… now that I’m used to the cars reactions to thinner air and pressure on the engine I know what to expect…. I’m gonna fill the water reservior tomorrow AM along with the oil and trans fluids….. should be a good travel day! Emotionally I am doing a lot better… mom and I have chatted a lot and that has helped.. I still have questions for Master… and if the medication doesn’t knock me out I’ll try to catch him tonight…

Mood:accomplished

day 4

Apr. 26th, 2006 at 8:30 PM

This is going to be short because the WyFi system here sucks… can’t seem to stay on long…. The traveling went well today… loved the scenery…. Took 56 pictures… will send them off and put them on the web tomorrow when I land… hopefully they will have a better system…. Emotionally I am better today too… until I almost hit a guardrail on a bridge then I knew that it was time to call it a day….

Mood:accomplished

why ?

Apr. 25th, 2006 at 8:39 PM

Another long day… hit heavy rain…. And a major snow storm…. i’m glad that ended…. It’s cold but sunny now and is supposed to be the same tomorrow…. The car is running fine… knock on wood…. This morning about 100 miles from garys the wipers decided to stop…. i pulled over and popped the hood… luckily i remembered where the fuses for the wipers were… i popped the control box and tapped the fuses and it started up…. i closed the thing up and got back in the car and fell apart…. i just couldn’t stop crying…. Everything just built up … and popped! That’s when i decided to start a vocal diary… i used my small tape recorder and chatted with myself the rest of the way… i called gary a couple of times to give him an update and i called mom almost every two or three hours… she’s doing ok… and i’m glad to hear that… she needs to find herself… she just needs to find her way… and not take on blame for my leaving… it has nothing to do with her or dad… it is something that i need to do.. for me! One thing i found i need to do is be more forward with my needs… I just chatted with gary… had i asked him to cuddle he would have but i didn’t… so we didn’t… teach me! i didn’t make my goal… fell just 200 miles short… could have forced it… but why? so stopped in Grande Island NE… and awesome Mall town!

Mood: annoyed

travel day #2

Apr. 24th, 2006 at 8:19 PM

a shorter day driving but not any easier... today wasn't the rain or leaving but the traffic and construction.... left brookville PA around 9:30 because of traffic delays on rt 80.... the construction was just a bear! finally made it to Gary's around 5:00pm... he's an awesome guy... would love to share a cage with him... but that doesn't look like its in the cards... he's too happy being single and retired.... we walked the area around the park... then went to dinner... then for a walk by the river.... chatted with mom for a bit.... she's doing better.... at least she sounds that way..... going to call it an early night....

Mood: happy

day 1 traveling

Apr. 23rd, 2006 at 9:17 PM

Wow… what a day… got up early and finished up the last of the details… and had breakfast… got on the road at 7:15am…. Spent until portmouth with tears rolling down my face… the hurt, the pain, the aloneness… all rolled in to the excitement of the trip… made real good time though… hit danbury CT around 12:30… was going to take an hours break… but started to eat… and it just wasn’t to be… left after about 30 minutes… and promply lost everything that went down… got cleaned up and carried on… the rain didn’t help the matter… hopefully the rest of the trip won’t be in rain…. Got to Brookville PA at 7:30 … called mom to let her know then signed on to see if Master was around… chatted with Master Curtis a bit .. then with Master Cage…. went to get some dinner then chatted with wen… gonna be an early night…. Tomorrows leg is a bit shorted…. Won’t be as bad as today… won’t be doing another 12 hour day… way too much road time!

Mood: exhausted

Apr. 21st, 2006

10:33 PM

wow... is leaving hard... went out to dinner with mom, dad, Master Curtis and wen then to cold stone creamery.... then came the hardest point of the evening... saying bye... out of the community here... Master Curtis and wen are the ones that tig will miss the most... it's hard to put into word what they mean to me... mom is having a real hard time... but in the long run she will do just fine... she doen't know all the people that are lined up to keep an eye on her.... just hope that they do it....

Mood: content

empty...........

Apr. 20th, 2006 at 10:48 PM

tig sits here in his room... that right now is really empty.... all tigs bills are paid... everything is in order.... there is no turning back... tigs exsistance is in the waiting hands of Master Cage.... is He ready? is tig ready for Him? no... tig doesn't think so... on both parts.... but time will tell.... tomorrow is going to be a real busy day.... car checkup, hair cut, dinner with Master Curtis, wen, mom & dad... besides that... tig is going ok....

Mood: content

Apr. 18th, 2006

11:15 PM

a refocus day..... today tig met with wen for a tarow reading.... tig was scared.... this was a first.... tig entered prepped for the worst.... but was very relieved.. when leaving... from both readings done the same turn out was there.... tig is on the right journey... the way won't be easy.... but it will all end happy...that was a comfort... Master added the surrender vs yield idea to the Masters training manual... it is heartwarming to see that what tig is learning is also helping Master out... and that tig is being heard... a lot of tigs fears and inhibitions are being eased.... but there are many more to go before tig is at a healthy level....

Mood: content

tired... very tired

Apr. 17th, 2006 at 10:16 PM

saying goodbye gets harder every day.... tonight was with Mark and Andy.... that was the hardest... saying goodbye to Andy.... leaving is so hard... tig forgot just how hard.... not much happening today... tomorrow looks the same.... except tig has an appointment with wen to have a reading done... should be real interesting...

Mood: content

whats up doc???

Apr. 16th, 2006 at 9:53 PM

today is a hard day for tig to pinpoint his feelings.... one minute everything is great... the next... everything is falling apart... so much so that Master made a joke with tig tonight and tig slide into worry/scared mode.... just that quick... tonights MAsT meeting was great... a small group... but very insightfull... topic was COMMUNICATION.... there was a great exercise between Dom/sub... tig got to play Dom.... lol... and did quite well.... :) tig might bring it up on wednesdays discussion.... tig would also like to discuss the trip with Master... as to His expectations of tig during the trip.... still planning on a sunday departure... with Masters blessings.... next weekend will not be fun... at all... can see it already!

Mood: frustrated

FRUSTRATED!!!

Apr. 14th, 2006 at 10:27 PM

FRUSTRATIONS!!! thats all that can express yesterday and today! mom has started with the going to church thing again.... and with this being Easter doesn't help.... yesterday was Holy Thursday... the Mass of the Lord's last supper... and tig didn't go... today is Good Friday.... and tig didn't go... ARGH!!! mom just doesn't understand my issues with religion right now.... and I really don't know how to explain it to her.... had computer issues yesterday so wasn't online yesterday or last night.... found a battery that needed replacing.... all fixed and back to journaling....

Mood: frustrated

disjointed!

Apr. 12th, 2006 at 6:52 PM

another way to busy day for tig.... boxes boxes EVERYWHERE.... both for mom and dad and tig... tigs been feeling disjointed... from the community and here and friends and everything else... due mainly to the time of flux that tig is in tigs room seem so empty... so void of who he was... the house... is barren... mom and dads stuff has dwindled do to packing and tigs stuff is gone too.... the yard sale pile grows in leaps and bounds daily now... estimates are around $500.00 for the sale... and should be hit pretty easily... mom is having a hard time right now... she can't even come in tigs room without crying.... it makes it even harder for tig... but Easter is here and after everything is said and done.... things might be a bit easier....

Mood: content

a great day

Apr. 10th, 2006 at 7:51 PM

what an awesome day.... went back to work to say hi to the gang... SSDD .... nothing has changed! came home and fixed and awesome lunch for Moe we chatted for about 2 plus hours ... he is such a great guy... chatted a few minutes with Master Curtis... going to miss him and wen the most.... it's just been a really great day... the shoulder still hurts...might call wen tomorrow for a message.... not going tanning anymore.... tigs package ran out and don't have the money to get another.... been watching the funds at the bank... it should be disbursed this week ... at least tig hopes....

Mood: content

ouch!

Apr. 9th, 2006 at 9:05 PM

tig isn't going to type much today.... besides being exhausted... tig wrenched his right shoulder... and it is killing him.... need to put heat or cold or something on it.... besides that tig is ok... tomorrow is lunch with Fr. Lebel... should be a lot of fun! gonna miss him.....

Mood: content

a fairwell....

Apr. 8th, 2006 at 7:18 PM

last night tig was given a gift of friendship in the form of a gathering of friends for dinner... 8 people plus tig went to dinner at the great lost bear in portland we ate and chatted and laughed and had a great time ... for three hours... it was wonderful... then tig was presented with a signed jack rinella book... Partners in power - living in kinky relationships and an autograph book that will have pictures taken there along with wishes from the people in the pictures.... it was great... we then went back to the boat for a nightcap... wen ended up doing a reading for joie... it was cool... we then started to chat... the topic.. to surrender vs to yield... we started by defining them... to surrender: to give up all of ourselves to a Master, to loose who I amfor the Master... ...to yield: to use the entire being of oneself to allow the will of the Master to become one with the slave.... tig found that he experience both sides.... when tig is away from Master he feels he surrenders... just gives it all to Master... but when tig is in Masters presence can yield to Master... to become one with his will.... interesting chat we had....

Mood: content

Archive

2006 April - May