I'm back
- Mood:accomplished
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- Mood:
happy
- Mood:
rejuvenated
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I write after a few days away from journaling... refreshed - renewed... I called this entry growth... because of everything going on... I have had to learn and relearn lessons... 1st.. communication.. without it everything falls apart... I think that this is a lesson for both Master and myself... we need to talk.. we need to better understand each other without the exterior influences or help from family or friends... this is a journey for Master and me to take... 2nd... trust and friendship.... I used to believe that they could go hand in hand and that I could trust friends with my thoughts and beliefs... guess what... nope... you can't they will use your words for their self interests... so much trust has been lost amonst friends...so many friendships ended.... 3rd... self worth... this is one I can't seem to get a grip on... as beauty is in the eyes of the beholder... self worth isn't... its what is assigned to you or not assigned to you for that matter by the community... even the individual feeling doesn't really matter... and with this particular community I see rumor mills scattered throughout... as wen put it "that is what they thrive on" I'm still at a loss at what to do or where to go... Sir Brian is looking better by the day.... not running but finding a place where I can be me without the judgemental folks that call themselves friends... but then I came across the quote from confucius... well... I am going to let it speak for itself... live true to yourself... and follow YOUR right path... which is not necessarily anybody elses...
I close with this prayer from St Augustin -
NEVER TIRE OF TRYING -
How do I seek You, O Master? For when I seek You,
it is happiness I seek.
Let me seek You that my soul may live; as my body lives by my soul,
so my soul lives by You.
- Mood:
contemplative
I received a response to my post of last night - some good questions to look at:
"but hmmm...in my mind...question for you..."why do you wish to serve"..."what qualities did you initially see that prompts you to serve" "what qualities do you think he saw in You that maybe You are not currently seeing in yourself again due to emotions""
Why do I wish to serve? I wish to serve because through my serving we, Master and I can grow in our own journeys and be fulfilled
by what the other brings to the table.
What qualities did you initially see that prompts you to serve? I saw a man that was willing to grow, willing to look at himself
and find that inner strength and pull it forward to share
What qualities do you think he saw in You that maybe You are not currently seeing in yourself again due to emotions? Right now,
any kind or self worth
"The word Trust is a HUGE word....and when it comes to a Master equalivalent...it takes lots of time to build up that trust and sometimes (in my experience) trust comes in the smallest forms of things...and it also takes a Great leap from myself to get to the point of allowing myself to trust."
I have trusted this Man for two years... He has stood by and has quietly been there... not always on the front line but there none the less... but
I am finding it hard to trust someone that is being deceitful not only to me but to Himself. I want to believe in Him... to trust Him... but His
actions and His words are to the contrary... I am told its done in my best interest... and yet He allows me to be continually hurt by people for no
reason... and either won't or can't explain Himself to me so that I may better understand His actions... I get more anger returned instead... how
can I learn who this man is if He responds in anger... I have done what He asks of me and not confronted these people... but when is it time to
finally say enough? is not a Master supposed to look out for the well being of His slaves? or is it ok for a slave to be used as a scape goat for
His failing to deal with issues that are important to the well being of the slave?
In closing I go back to my question.... WHEN IS ENOUGH ... ENOUGH?
- Mood:
alone
topics for a MASTER to answer:
why did you accept me as your slave?
yes - disappointed.... disappointed that I can't put my trust in people that care for....
- Mood:
disappointed
The Sanskrit name for the fifth chakra means "purified" and refers to the spiritual path of becoming conscious of why we do what we do-our intention. As we increase in awareness, we take responsibility for the consequences of our actions. This level of power also requires the practice of right speech, as Buddhists call it, for the fifth chakra is at throat level. Right speech involves the weighing of every thought and word, speaking honestly but with good judgment, since everything we say affects the people around us. At this fifth level of power, we are meant to act toward others in ways that transmit a great strength of spirit and conviction. "With every choice, we are meant to "Surrender Personal "Will to Divine "Will" -the motto of this energy center.
When the Buddha taught right speech to his son, he first asked him to reflect on what he would say and make sure that his "verbal action" would not be hurtful to others. If it would be hurtful, give it up; if it would increase happiness and create happy results, then pursue it. If it unexpectedly causes hurt, reflect on it and "confess it" to yourself and even a teacher or a mentor or knowledgeable friend.
It takes courage to be honest with ourselves, too. Often we don't want to face our real reasons for doing things and face up to any negative consequences of our actions. There are many kinds of cour~ge that influence the choices we make. For example, we need great physical courage to jump into a burning building to rescue a child or push someone out of the path of a speeding car. Yet it can take a different kind of emotional courage to speak up and stand up against an injustice or to intervene in someone's personal life. One man told me, "I would much rather save someone from fire or drowning than to have to tell a close friend that I know he is an addict. I know this because I have rushed into a fire to save someone and I do have a friend who is an addict, and I have yet to find the courage to save him."
The fifth chakra, then, represents ants of service that require a more conscious quality of personal courage. At this level, you face you intuitive revelations, accept them, and act on them. You make tough life choices for yourself and when you extend yourself to others.
- Mood:
complacent
- Mood:
scared
What a day, to start off being faced with the fact that I am judgemental... I wasn't raised to be but yet I am... I tend to judge the book by the cover... with no reguard to the contents of the book... thus appears one more of my many shadows... and this one isn't so nice to look at... but in looking back I can see where it stems from... I grew up knowing that we would be moving soon so I couldn't keep friends for a long time... it was make new friends, leave them... start again... so I gravitated to what was visually appealing... not the person inside...
So, what can I now do to change this habit? and how can I change the fact that I am harshly judged by others... let's face it... their judgement is their opinion... can I effectivly change that opinion? I believe I can... I judged a lady on wednesday because of what she wore... but I stopped and realized that it wasn't her I was judging it was myself... I saw her lack of cloths and because of the different cloths I had on... shorts, black top, silver collar... she became the one in the wrong... not me...
To stop judging I need to know who I am... to trust, to live the truth that is me... in doing so I will be unable to see others as inferior and worth belittling, living their truth... so stops the judging... no one should be judged... it causes hurt and often severs ties that shouldn't be severed... but until we realize that the outward sign we give when we judge is an inward reflection of our own impurities.... it will never end and people will continue to be hurt by how we judge...
I was judged harshly this week by a community member... yes, it was not easy by any means... it hurts, but I realize also that her judging is a reflection of her own life a, hurting life... what better way to boost ones self worth by belittling others around you... I can only trust in Masters word that He will take the proper steps to letting the truth be known... I have to put it to rest... it is now Masters to deal with... this being the first big test of our relationship... I am honestly scared... I have trusted so many times before and have been deeply hurt by being betrayed... will it happen again?... can I trust Him? .... Only time will tell....
- Mood: scared
Blindly I trust
so blind
even to what i see,
But blind trust
It's not kind -
it pierced through me.
Richa Mehta
I've trusted and been hurt so many times.. but need to do so again... for Him...
will I again be hurt? will I again be let down under those words... TRUST ME?
- Mood: scared
- Mood:
bitchy
- Mood: rejuvenated
- Mood: rejuvenated
CONTROL
There are things you can control and things you cannot control. If you focus too heavily on those things you cannot control, it can lead to an overwhelming amount of frustration and anxiety.
Choose instead to focus your thoughts and efforts on those things upon which you can have a positive influence. There are plenty of those things, and by giving your energy to them you can quickly and significantly improve the quality of your life.
Stop worrying so much about what others are doing wrong. Instead, put your time and effort into discovering what you can do right, what you can do well, and in using your unique abilities to create excellence.
Whenever you feel yourself getting anxious or frustrated by something that's beyond your control, stop and take a fresh look around. There's something you can do, right then and there, that will make a positive difference in the world.
The more you make use of the positive power that you have, the stronger that power will grow. There is always something you can do, and it always beats complaining or worrying about those things you cannot do.
Do what you can, when you can, where you are, with what you have. You'll find that it can make an enormous difference.
I'm having a problem right now with control... I want to give Master control... but when I do... He doesn't accept it...leaving me in limbo.. a place I am having a lot of difficulty dealing with... I ask what His wishes are - I get vague answers... I ask "Master, a,b,c---" I get answers for g,h,i... so I fully understand the frustration and anxiety that is spoken about in the first line...but if I take back control... how do i yield? how do i surrender? where then is my open door to reliquish control to Him?
I wonder about things like will He ever allow me to be a member of His family... or will I always be the third... that more than likely gets forgotten? does He understand my feeling about attending functions alone? Why does He keep pushing me to search for a new Master and then says I'm His slave?
WHAT DOES HE WANT OF ME? WHAT DOES HE WANT OF ME?
- Mood:
frustrated - Music:none tonight
- Mood:
mellow - Music:Chakra suites
- Mood:
relaxed
- Mood: happy
- Mood:
high
- Mood:
blah
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