![[protected post]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/icon_protected.gif){kind=icon}
December 26th Ms. Madeline-Marie Myrick made her debut at 6 1/2 lbs, 18
1/2 inches. Welcome aboard Maddy!This gives a great segway to my idea
of what 2008 will be. A new beginning, a new start, with a fresh
outlook on where I am and where I am going. With school ending in 4
days and work going well I head to Arizona to further my journey as a
slave and possibly a new Master. Maybe this year will offer that to me.
My resolution this coming year is to continue to loose the weight and
to live as honestly and authentically as I can.Lessons from 2007... I
can do! I can travel across the country and learn some big life
lessons. I can support myself and still do things that I want to do. I
can live as a slave without a Master. I can live spiritually without
religion. I can live fully authentically. I can live without the Maine
BDSM Community.Have I grown? yes Will I continue to grow? yes
and how I deal with things and people around me and the stresses of
Christmas and all that goes with it are a good judge of that. I've
finally gotten the hint that I can't fix or adjust anybody else - but I
can fix and/or adjust me. I have found that using this method of
accepting things has made my stress level much lighter and easier to
deal with. My next hurdle to deal with is schedules and keeping myself
and others on time... in short getting answers when I need them. Right
now I deal with it by getting frustrated and upset knowing that things
won't fall in place if the answers are not returned.... I guess I could
cop an I don't care attitude but is that working through my issue? I
think not.One of the frustration of life I guess!saw a good quote
today: Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy
and taste good with ketchup.
This kind of weather gives plenty of time to reflect on who and where we are in this existence. Personally, i find myself with and "I don't care" attitude... I know it's not healthy but being withdrawn from those that once considered "friends" has left me in a void that isn't easy to deal with. I find that I only read posts from those that matter to me - everything else gets deleted or stored until a later time. I just don't care what goes on here in Maine I just want to serve. Am I ok or do I have something wrong with me? why this sudden withdrawal and wish to only serve?
Could the sacrament of letting go have brought me to a deeper realization of slavery that I hadn't felt before?
So many feeling and questions!
style, greens with big gold ribbon bows, the big village and train
under the tree, the lace doilies out on the tables and the candles ...
well ... everywhere! The candies are dipped the fruitcakes made and the
house cleaned , the choir set and ready to sing and all the music
planned... all seems set for the holidays... Now if it can just stop
snowing for a bit it will be great! I'm physically exhausted and
mentally drained but just keep looking to January 10th... that's when
my Phoenix trip begins! I am so looking forward to it ... even the
hooking ... well that too will come and go... speaking of going...
night for now
I worry too much
Autumn leaves ask me not to worry.
They, like Jesus, suggest trust, rather than worry.
So often in Autumn, I want to go lean my head against a tree and ask
what it feels like to lose so much,
to be so empty, so detached,
and to take off one's shoes that well,
and then simply to stand and wait for God's refilling.
It sounds so simple, so easy.
But it isn't easy. It's hard! But possible!
We Autumn stragglers must try hard not to wear discouragement
as a cloak, if we cannot wear emptiness enough to make us free.
It takes a long time to get as far as even wanting to be empty.
It is the sacrament of letting go that our hearts are hungering for.
And once we discover that we already possess enough grace to let go,
trust begins to form in the center of who we are.
Then we take off our shoes and stand empty and vulnerable,
eager to receive God's next gift.
Slowly, the trees celebrate the sacrament of "letting go".
First, they surrender their green, then their orange, yellow and red.
Finally, they let go of their brown.
Shedding their last leaf they stand empty and silent, stripped bare.
Leaning against the sky they begin their vigil of TRUST.
As the last leaf falls, they watch it journey to the ground.
They stand in silence, wearing the color of emptiness,
their branches wondering:
How do you give shade, with so much gone?
And then the sacrament of waiting begins.
The sunset and sunrise watch with tenderness
clothing them with silhouettes that keep HOPE alive.
They help them understand that vulnerability, dependence, need,
emptiness, and readiness to receive,
are giving them a new kind of beauty.
Every morning and every evening, we stand in silence,
celebrating together the sacrament of letting go… of waiting…
Let us pray for one another; for emptying is painful, and the Body of
Christ· that we are, demands that we support- each other in this Autumn
effort
Autumn leaves, like Jesus, ask us not to worry.
I'm feeling now. Here's what a week looks like: Monday thru Friday 6am
to 6pm - do Grafix Inc stuff and add in any funerals that come about.
School runs on alternating weeks (m,w,f - t, th). Choir and cantor
rehearsals run the opposite (t,th - m,w,f). When I have a few extra
minutes I need to keep the house clean, the drives cleaned and get the
house decorated. And yet people still ask if I have time to do XXX.
There are days that I just get away, yesterday was one of those. I had
a great lunch with LW and some wonderful chat. I just wish we could
have stayed longer, but she too has a packed schedule. Why do I put
myself through this stress and how does it affect my slavery. I could
very easily give up school and not do all the decorating here at home
but that would be giving up something I need to do for me. I need
school - the out and the enjoyment and the decorating is just something
that gives me joy. So even though I am stressed it is something I do
every year and will most likely continue to do so. As for affecting my
slavery it offers me the place to work on focus and obedience by
scheduling my time and holding to that schedule without having to be
told to do so. So as we all work through the holiday season may we find
the peace and solitude we all deserve.
letting go". I can't seem to find it but in essence it spoke of a tree
letting go of it's autumn leaves... and even though it was so beautiful
with the leaves it is still just as beautiful in it's time of waiting
and preparation. I find this speaks to me as a slave. During this time
of waiting and preparing for a Master I am still a person full of
knowledge and still worthy of serving... Not a Master but my core need
to obey and serve. I've stopped looking at the future with the "if/when
I have a Master" but now look to the future with the knowledge that
when it is right it will happen... until then I should be vigilant and
stay awake and aware and most important... prepared to offer myself to
the Master.
been nervous... no outright scared of doing this. I'm not sure why,
I've had nipples pierced, ears pierced and have even thought about
getting a PA... so why does being hooked bother me? I'm beginning to
think it's not the hooking (even though that is unnerving) but the
ritual and the unknown. I didn't attend Master Steve's Ritual piercing
at the M/s conference. I opted to attend Master Skips Manna of fetish
instead... and glad I did! but now I feel that I have missed so much.
The unknown is scary for me when it includes things that I haven't
experienced... especially when it is in a public setting... I have a
lot to work through...
2:30pm and so peace has resettled back at Bedard's Barn! I look forward
to getting back to a stable, quiet routine. Something that I have
missed since Tuesday of last week. So a little quiet and patience will
be my order for a bit until I catch up...
days... luckily tomorrow is the last day!
great-niece Kathleen-Marie... a 15 month old little gem! But it just
reinforces for me the reason I don't have kids... I just don't have
what it takes but then again... I'm the only one that can get Miss
Katie to sleep with no fuss or muss... no.... NO KIDS! lol! I did as sw
instructed and called an issue as I saw it... Maine made apathy! whine
about not having but bitch and complain when it's offered to you...
oh... to far, to costly, wah wah wah! it stirred up a bit of stuff but
sw is right! if it's built they might come... if they don't oh well...
we will have fun and the heck with them.... let them play at
home!!!Well, Time for bed!
space, a meeting place or a place to socialize... then when offered the
opportunity to have it - bulk at the drive, the cost, who is doing
it... on and on... I often just want to throw my hands up and
say "screw you all!" and go where people are willing to give of their
money, time and talent to make things work... which usually means out
of state! The apathy here in Maine is so prevalent! what can be done?
how can this be dealt with? or is it just meant to be? let them
play...I so enjoy serving not a Master but a Tribe... we spoke of this
at the MAsT meeting last night - how Master Curtis and slave wen have
been called to form a leather family or tribe... It steps outside the
greater community of maine which right now is a good thing and allows a
closer bond to be made - it will be awesome to see how this will work.
No comments:
Post a Comment