2006 July - August

[protected post] it happened....

  • Aug. 9th, 2006 at 5:37 PM

a couple of days ago I mentioned that for 14 days I have worn my collar without removing it.... today I did... I removed it... only for 10 minutes but it was the reason behind it that bothered me more. a feeling of being just in the way, a bother, more trouble then worth... it was a hard thing to go through... it totally amazes me that one or two people can have that much power over another... and yet, I doubt they even realized it... everything becomes nice and smooth on their side... but on mine... confusion... I found I couldn't go without the collar, that bothered me too much, I had no right to remove it... it wasn't mine to remove... but the feeling was mine and one that still panges me, but as I put the collar back around my neck a feeling of desire came over me... having that key as handy as it is is not a good idea... it needs to go to Master... and this weekend it will...

I've slowed down on reading, I should really get back to it... I find that my mind tends to go blank way to often... where there once was deep questioning thought there is nothing... I feel overwhelmed at times....

It will be nice to spend time with slave rick this weekend... I do hope he can attend MAsT NJ with us... rick is such a real person like I want to keep in touch with...
  • Mood: discontent

[protected post] to control or not....

  • Aug. 8th, 2006 at 8:52 AM

I've been doing a lot of reflecting on control, slavery, Mastery, and how things are all intertwined... I think of a spiderweb and how a movement on one side is felt so strongly on the other side... the same holds true with control... todays ah ha moment was in the fact that Master Curtis' growth in His Mastery is directly effected by my surrender to Him... the more I surrender, the more room He has to grow... if I pull back and take control.. He can no longer Master me... I see better the reason we are told that as slaves we are dominant... but as wen pointed out... how much is too much? when is my giving going over what is being asked? I guess that answer will come after a discussion with Master Curtis where boundries are set... I was asked in a response to a blog if my asking permission from Master to leave a group was too much. I responded that I did that because of a past issue that I had where I just up and left some groups... was it better to ask? i feel it was in His best interest to have me ask... it also gave me a chance to give up the control, to yield to His wishes and not mine... so in the long run I feel I made the best decision to ask...
  • Mood: contemplative

[protected post] change

  • Aug. 7th, 2006 at 7:25 PM

I read through Jack Leather page today on change... and realize that i have gone through some big changes... some seen by others some not... the biggest is my new found comfort with who and where I am... I have re-found peace in my life.. a comfort zone that I had forgotten even existed in my life... its a peace that I found traveling across the united states alone... other changes are my collar... people have asked why I wear it and I just respond its a committment collar... but as I said yesterday it means so much more to me. even today as I shopped around for a new cell phone (no my number didn't change lol)... I found myself looking initially for the basics.. phone, text, headset... but then my gagetry kicked in... bluetooth would be much more convenient.... and it seems they all come with cameras.... so I ended up getting a bit more than I needed.... but it will serve me so much better... and Sir will be able to contact me no matter where I am.... :) tomorrows meeting should prove to be interesting... then a quick trip to the boat to pick up the long lost camera... then back home... it will prove to be an interesting day
  • Mood: good

[protected post] what to journal about ???

  • Aug. 6th, 2006 at 9:51 PM

I wasn't planning on doing a journal entry tonight... not a lot happened today... and that is ok... sometimes people need a down day... to just relax and do nothing... today was one of those days... but Sir instructed me to do an entry. as I sat here in front of the computer screen trying to figure what to write, I found myself holding on to my collar... particularly the lock... wondering why I realized that what I was doing I was doing for the one who holds the key to that lock... it allows me to pull strength and support from it... for 14 days I have worn this collar without removing it for any reason including showers... I don't know how I would feel without it around my neck.... I can just imagine what an empty feeling it would be... I have taken the key that is here for emergencies only and have it in a hand made wood box sitting on my bureau... it never leaves that box and never will unless Sir wants it in His possession... of which I would give without pause.... so this collar, for me is a rock, a place that I can be confident in... a place that I know I am safe because a man, my Master is there with His hands open waiting to catch me when I jump... but I also trust that those hands will discipline as needed, when needed... it means a commitment... a promise that everything I do will be for Him... a promise that I will obey everything He asks and demands of me... I wear this collar with pride... and am humbled that He accepted the responsibility that goes with it.
  • Mood: content

[protected post] a laugh or something more?

  • Aug. 5th, 2006 at 7:56 PM

I sit back and just have to chuckly on days like this..... I went through a lot to get together a calendar for Sir, just so he would know where I am and when.... Sir knows my schedule better than my own mother does... and yet... yesterday I was told we could chat later that evening... but Sir hasn't signed on... nor has he done so today.... meaning since the weather was good and the boat clean.... it was a good time for sailing.... my question... should Masters check in with their slaves when leaving for an extended time? do they somehow feel that we know what is going on and won't worry about them? Maybe this can be a busted myth at the MAsT meeting on the 20th! All slave have taken and passed mindreading 101... or better yet, maybe Sir and I need to sit and chat about guidelines ... we've already started chatting about rules and protocol.... maybe a dinner here at the house or out in portland where we can chat is an order....

Or thinking about it in other ways.... is Sir telling me more than I'm willing to listen to? should i just back off ? what did I do wrong? did i do anything wrong? seems to me that we need to open the lines of communication before things go wrong so early in the journey.....
  • Mood: confused

[protected post] a joy to be alive....

  • Aug. 4th, 2006 at 8:23 PM

Ere the birth of my life, if I wished it or no
No question was asked me--it could not be so !
If the life was the question, a thing sent to try
And to live on be YES; what can NO be ? to die.
Samual Taylor Coleridge

I often wonder with the beauty that I see now in life why just two years ago I actually thought many times of ending it.... can life actually get to that point that there is no way out, that it is much easier to just put an end to everything? I bless the days for friends that cared enough to say hey... you are important to me... maybe others don't feel that way but I do! thats what saved me, thats what showed me that I have worth and that I am loved! and now I have the opportunity to give that love back to others that need the support, the love... I bless that person that did that for me... and I'm sure they know who they are!

Thank you for the gift of life...
  • Mood: thankful

[protected post] give me one moment in time.......

  • Aug. 3rd, 2006 at 7:20 PM

I've notiticed a change lately in how I live... not a big change but one that deserves taking note of... and that is living one moment at a time... we all do it unconsciously... but to actually feel the difference is an amazing thing... I used to see a goal and walk blindly to it until I got there... pick anouther goal and go for it... I've stopped doing that.. I'm not sure why really but I no longer choose one goal and strive for it.... slavery was one of those goals... I no longer strive to be a slave... I am a slave... now it becomes a polishing... even for work I don't tend to look for the shiny pot of gold at retirement... enough to be comfortable is all I seek... small things have made me see this change... noticing how every day since the conference I have see at least one butterfly... noticing how when I wake each day I don't start thinking about what I have planned for tomorrow... but instead deal with the plans for the day... to be still enough to stop and listen to the rain, thunder and watch the lighting or see a beautiful flower and stop to smell it... or just to sit and watch a ladybug walk along a board... or a seagull teach its young.... what beautiful things we miss because of living in the future and not the present... and that goes for living in the past as well.... we walk by life because we can't let go of the past.... slavery to me is the same.... I need to live my slavery daily, making sure that Sir is and has...that's what matters to me.. I can't be worried about tomorrows wedding rehearsals or saturdays weddings... they will get here soon enough... today is for Sir... and so is tomorrow, saturday and sunday... and everyday forthcoming.... so I sing that song... give me one moment in time...... and let me live it to the fullest... then I'll move to the next.... knowing that I am living each moment as a slave to it's absolute fullest potential.
  • Mood: grateful

[protected post] a fork in the road...

  • Aug. 2nd, 2006 at 3:31 PM

I'm looking today at where my journey is going and I see an odd problem coming up... when I work full time I have a hard time serving... but when I serve I have a hard time bringing in money to survive... there is a balance somewhere, I'm sure of it... but where does it lie? I know I need to find a job and soon at that but what will make me happy enough to stay? what will fulfill my life on that plain? there seems to be so many questions that have to be answered soon... like by the end of the month soon...

The community seems to be going through a time of flux also... a feeling of schizm... division amunst the ranks... it was noted how clicky the community is... and how it seems to becoming Exclusive instead of Inclusive... I too have felt this but in seeing where the clicks lie, can understand what is happening... you see the NEW FOLK... the just entering... the PLAYERS... the ones that just need the play aspect and the SERIOUS... the Masters and slaves that are working on thier journey... it's really to bad to see this happening to a community that once was one... and welcoming...
  • Mood: confused

[protected post] continued....

  • Jul. 31st, 2006 at 9:10 PM

even today as Sir was at work, I knew that if I needed something or an emergency came up He would be there for me... my day was spent in service, pure service to Him... not for me, not for mom and dad... for Him... I can honestly say that I have let go... and I understand now what I was being told I would feel like... that bliss, the utter happiness to serve the one person that I surrender myself to. I've re-read Guy Baldwins Slavecraft... focusing on essays 4 - 7 -> Identity, Obedience, Transparency, Humility... Identity - I've resolved that I am a slave... it's not a coat I wear but who I am... it's not a lifestyle that I've adapted for me... it a way of life that is there for me to embrase... Obedience - this has been and still is a hard one... I was raise to be independant! but I have found over the past week that I am defering to Sir for guidance, for instruction, for order... it gets easier as time goes on.... Transparency - I'm still working on this principle... Sir, has come to ask about my day, what I've done and what my plans are... Sir now has a calendar for me so that He knows where I am... so as time goes on, my being fully open with who and where I am in life will become easier... Humility - this is where I need work... I still find that I am a very proud person... proud of who I am and what I do... that pride is my downfall... and very misplaced... it should belong to Sir... not to me... I will have to make a conscience effort to change that... but all in all my journey is moving in the right direction with the right teachers and the right place to serve....
  • Mood:artistic

[protected post] ever had a glimps of heaven?

  • Jul. 29th, 2006 at 10:53 PM

Ever had a near death experience where you were led to the light .... to heaven? I did... but for me it has not been near death but near LIFE experience that showed me heaven! this past week I have spent in pure service to Sir... its a first for me... I've been in service to others but not on this level... everything I did was to please Him... I don't care how much work... or what my issues with it were... or how much I hurt ... if Sir wants it done... Sir will have it done... just as long as He is happy, content, relaxed and served.... thats all that matters! So, I've seen a glimps of heaven... the life complete, fulfilled and longing to be taken... I have reached for the brass ring and now hold it... proudly honoring Sir for the every day gift that He gives me....I am a slave, proudly serving Sir Curtis and His household. I will do so to the best of my ability till the day He removes the collar from my neck....
  • Mood: energetic

[protected post] an update.....

  • Jul. 26th, 2006 at 11:36 PM

life as a slave is the best thing going.... and i for one am the happiest one alive.... why? because i can serve the best couple of people that walk this great earth.... ok... it sounds hokey... but it is so true... the breath of fresh air, the color of the sky, the sound of the birds... they all seem so new, so alive now... nirvana? maybe... can it get better... oh how i do hope so...
  • Mood: ecstatic

[protected post] the story of Sir's face....

  • Jul. 24th, 2006 at 11:27 PM

the story of Sir's face....
today i felt so complete, so fullfilled.... after three days of scrubbing, sanding, washing and painting the boat it's back in the water! Sir announces ... "let's take her around the block".. i sat on the side and watched His face light up... it was like watching a kid with a new toy.... as we got further into the bay He opened the main sail and we took off... but it wasn't quite enough... out came the second sail... and the knots kept going up... and the higher they went the broader the smile on Sirs face. All i could could do was sit there in total awe of Him... people ask why i serve?, what i get out of it?, what drives me? if only i could have had them on board at that moment... the love that i saw... the heartfelt unspoken gratitude for the service, the obedience.... that look is why! that look is all i need to go back and do more and better.... that look...the gift that is given freely from the heart of the one i surrender to.... is why!
  • Mood: energetic

[protected post] calm out of kaos!

  • Jul. 24th, 2006 at 11:25 PM

calm out of kaos, service out of dis-service, honor out of dis-honor. i am a slave and i am proud and honored to serve the household of Sir Curtis and slave wen.... last night was a major turning point - saturday i resolved that cage community had to go... last night I asked Sir Curtis to bear the new key to the new lock on the new chain collar... and he accepted... what that means is still yet to be determined - but i will LOVE, HONOR, SERVE and OBEY... i can and will submit to His wishes... Ownership, No. i'm not - no - we're not there, we're not ready for that and we may never be and that is ok. Right now i seek His Mastery not His Ownership. But please understand that if He asks i may answer in the affirmative... but i am ok in the idea and knowledge that that may never happen. i see ownership as the "I DO" of the wedding ceremony - a final acceptance that yes indeed this is a life long, till death do us part moment - no Master can ask that of a slave nor a slave of his Master or better yet order it from His slave... that has to come from the SACRED CONTRACT between the two as Master and slave. ownership cannot be given or taken... it just happens.... yes for this slave being owned was a trophy and likewise for Master Cage... i see that know.. there was no committment and no honor in those words... they were empty words that i didn't understand, but thanks to this weekend i have grown just one more step in the big journey and i understand clearer that trophies and awards mean nothing unless they come from the heart of the giver - the heart of the Master to which we surrender ourselves to. i lay here early monday morning looking and watching Sir in His nakedness, relaxing, sleeping... starting to know better the man - the MASTER that He is... He is first a man, flawed, but proud of who and where He is, and willing to grow into more...but as a Master His silent, calming control shines forth and longs to Master those He chooses to serve Him. what a humbling feeling to know that i - slave paul am now a part of His life... He has had my life, my respect, and my trust from the 1st day i met Him... didn't understand it - but felt it... and now i understand it... for that step in my journey the student was ready and the teacher was there.
  • Mood: and so excited

[protected post] will my teacher be there?

  • Jul. 19th, 2006 at 8:11 PM

i am totally excited about being given the opportunity to attend the Master/slave conference this weekend with Master Curtis and slave wen... I will hopefully be meeting my future Master while there....
  • Mood: excited

[protected post] Jul. 17th, 2006

  • 8:03 PM

through sadness and depression comes a time of renewal
  • Mood: thoughtful

[protected post] beat me PLEASE!!!!!

  • Jul. 16th, 2006 at 10:11 PM

guess I'm just down.... nothings been going on lately... Sir Curtis and wen have been gone off doing their own things... the CA guys are off line due to moving and mom and dad are driving me nuts! haven't been beaten since february in NY.... could deal with a sound flogging... but all I seem to get is promises....
  • Mood: depressed

[protected post] feeling yucky

  • Jul. 12th, 2006 at 7:53 PM

not feeling well.... doing some centering to clean out the head as well as the rest
  • Mood: sick

[protected post] the darkness within

  • Jul. 11th, 2006 at 6:56 PM

"Remember...In complete darkness we are all the same, only our courage and wisdom separate us, don't let the dark deceive you...." I found this quote on a profile and it just caught my eye... it takes me back to being told to embrase the dark side... allow the fears that reside there out to be dealt with... but its interesting to know and understand that we are all alike in the dark... but courage and wisdome being like fingerprints are unique to us all....
  • Mood: relaxed

[protected post] yawn........

  • Jul. 10th, 2006 at 11:00 PM

a quiet day... but did get some work done... not a lot going on besides that...
  • Mood: listless

[protected post] Jul. 7th, 2006

  • 7:47 PM

Today I played a funeral of a well known guy in the congregation... a father of 1 boy and 5 girls.... I listened very well during a 35 minute homily from the boy... roger... he spoke of a loving father that cherished everyone of his kids.... everyone of his grand kids and everyone of his great grand kids... each one was made to feel that they were the most loved...the most important... what a sad state to know that I can't say the same about my father.... I love him... because he is my father... I can't say that there is much else there .. he's never accepted me, has never been there for me when I've needed him most... and has never been the father that I could look up to.... all I see is the hurt that he causes... I won't even invite friends over to dinner because I am so afraid that he will hurt them as he has others... he just doesn't think before he speak.... and when he does speak, its hurtful and cutting... but he doesn't see that... he laughs it off like a joke... how sad.
  • Mood: disappointed

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)